I am unknown to many. I am a person that hides in the meadow
of the self-craving, working like a shadow, lingering in the memories. I am
trying to find the answers for it. Why it lingers behind? I am a guy, a
peculiar one, running in the rain and bathing in it, till the rain dries out. It’s
a self-surrender, an asylum to take refuge on. No, it doesn’t wipe out my
thirst.
I look in the mirrors, mirror of inferiority, mirror of
complexity, mirrors and mirrors everywhere. Mirrors reflect greed. I stand in
awe constantly for hours, reflecting on a self-conclave. It’s dark and darker is
my innate. A character that is lost: lost in the black cave for a quest, a
quest to unknown. It rigs. I see the trailing images of the childhood and past,
my past. I hardly can sketch my rough images. The horizon has changed. It has been divulged in hunger, a hunger that
starved to death, without finding any answers to why’s and why not’s’. Is this
the emblem? Is this my thirst to reckon world and universe? Where am I? Who’s
me and who I am not?
We believed in too many things, we believed in our truths and we believed in our lies. Are we sure what they are, as they seems to be? Who is a child? He is just a plain white unscripted paper. Who is an adult? They are dis-believer, a procrastinator. How the journey changed? Am I your child?
We don’t shoot for the stars anymore, we pierce it. We
conquer galaxies after galaxies in search of a hopes, a hope for a life. We
dismantle the earth crust and plant seeds in mars. We, not for a god shake
believe in humanity. We bunked atoms, we developed bombs but we hardly debunked
the truth. We indeed are lost with the pace and we never landed in a spherical
space. A shuttle search for reality we misplaced. We learned karma and its
round, what goes around comes around but we forget to practice it.
It’s not our choice. You want to float. You want to
levitate. We want to fly and touch the skies not knowing our ground. But we
forget, even the greatest bird leans on land when it is tired. It seeks
support. It seeks for a ground, own ground. We expanded our belief system and
searched for the route out, we the greatest creations. I am the man seeking
answers within. Did I change myself with these notorious expressions? Did I
change, with the wind of change?
I, I am not a monk nor a priest nor any preacher for the kind
of belief or dis-beliefs. I hold me. I am in an outrage, an outrage of violence,
an outrage brought by a pseudo-pod that mimics. Why it mimics? What is its’
true-self? Is it familiar, is it self-constructed. It’s a wall I want to break.
I’m lost. A loss hope for existence, a parasite believing in the blood drain, I
am a loss, a prudence loss of the profound beauty, a loss of structural kind
with memories, with mind that can plot. Why it plots? Why can’t it come true to
me? Why it lies and deceives? Did I inherit this? Is it my right, right after
my birth? Can I claim my rights for its misuse? What nature handed me down?
What I was discarded from?
Reality and truths, Oh! Let me hear from you, share your
experiences. Please prick me and lie to me. You say to me, I am a soul of a
galactic meteor, Oh! I hear that. Oh! Should I believe that? Now you may say my
bones are stones. No, it’s not; it hurts in some pain. Now you may say my
emotions are vague. No, it’s not; I was first lost in the space. From where, I
was thrown? And now since I found the land, I am lost again for finding my
grounds.
Yes, you started my whole life to be boring as I know you
are the best actor in the world. Nothing really fills this boredom. I tried
pain. I know pain is beautiful but it can’t fill this boredom. Yes, you started
my whole life agonizing in dis-comforting reality. Reality! Or is it just a
dream I am fallen into? Oh! Master of savior, wake me.
No, I’m not. I’m not a leader, not a preacher, nor any forms
of god or evil kind. I don’t say god is
dead, I don’t believe god is alive. It’s you who said it to me. It’s you who
taught me these lessons. The lesson of the will power, the will power for transformation,
the rule of nature, vivid and many more and it was from yesterday or in the
past or for years or learning from my past life. Now I coincided again. Was I
here forever or is it my first time? I repel, I contradict. You may see me as a
mass and I see you as an atom. Your formation is driving me complete. Now tell
me my composite first, what movement I have to play?
It’s you, turning out to be my guru. I tried to silence the
wall whenever you teach, but I reciprocated these questions within me. Didn’t
you feel that? Didn’t you feel I’m burning? I’m burning in a wildfire, a rage constructed
by self and submerging in the catastrophic wind and the storms of hail. Why I
have this volcano in me? Why I sail in the never ending oceans of dreams? Why I
catch this nightmare beside of me every time, lingering in my pillows, stiff
too deep?
The voyage I’m traveling through, the voyage where I’m trying
to, the voyage I’m falling to, this voyage I’m surviving. Didn’t I tell you, I don’t
believe in fights? With your answers I am starting a fight, a fight within
myself. This battle, I fought for long but never won. I am trying to find a
simple answer. Who am I? Can’t you give that? Oh! Visionary of all soul, mortal
of mortal, death of deaths you floated in the seven oceans and traveled every
dimension. You escaped the loops, oh you; the enlightened one. You told me you
are the traveler of time and space and back. It took a split second and you are
gone. Why won’t you answer me? Why won’t you talk to me?
Am I blind? No, I’m not. I see the colors of rainbows and of
peoples too. They both fade easily. It’s without character, it’s subliminal and
rust, pouring it comes with the rain and gone with the sunshine. It’s
characterizing and solid in the grief and not in the happiness. It’s like a
chime of a wind-bell, it’s transcending on the rise of a whirlpool calling for
help. Why, it has to call my name? Why, am I a wind-struck? I never pledge anyone
for any sorrows of my life. You are a crusader; you walk alone and travel alone.
You have the learning from miles you traveled and walk I followed. You dragged
me, without any motions in you. Why someone needs my feet to travel their walk?
Why I lend it? Why you hurt it? Why you have to break it? Do you have any
reasons for that?
I submerged into the sea, didn’t you said that it will be
pure? There’s just impurity. I watched at
waves waiting for reflections. Streams are calm, waves are vibrato but the
message, they are just a void, there’s emptiness, there’s solitude. There is no
reflection, I can’t find one. You ask me, why I am so lonely? Why am I so
quiet? Can’t you read these voices? Can’t you read my heart beats? Why should I
be so loud? Do I have to whisper it into your ears as well? What differentiate
you from other then? I thought we were intact, are we? You sum-up a part but I
remain divided, divided into bits and pieces. What is my whole soul?
What is my existence? What is existence? Your reflection is
mine, your knowledge is mine but still I don’t carry that soul. What soul do I
carry? Where and what is my origin? Is it a droplet or is it a sea? Why should
you devoid me from this learning you possess? Oh! The king! Boon me with
understanding, give me clarity, help me understand me, grant me visibility. Oh!
Breathe, take me into you, I have digested the agony; I have eaten the fallacy,
now I want to submerge myself into something exquisite; you. Inhale me through
your nasal, refuge me in your navel, and show me the naval of depth, naval of
your bosom. I surrender i into you.
